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It’s been a while since I’ve done a vulnerable, honest post about my life. Lately I’ve tried to shy away from them, because no one wants to read a pity party. No one wants to read my very strong (and honestly, sometimes wrong) opinions. But I was inspired by Emilie’s post today, and wanted to share some thoughts on my mind. This is in no way a pity-party. I’m not sharing these for comments. I might disable the comments, I’m not really sure. I just want to share so that if someone else is reading and they feel like a failure because they don’t have their life together, I want them to know they’re not alone.
As much as I love my husband, I’m struggling to adjust to life at Fort Knox. I know some readers are like “Well duh, you thought it would be roses and rainbows all the time. I tried to warn you but you didn’t listen.” Yes, you probably did. But I honestly don’t think anything could have prepared me for marriage until I actually was married. Two lives are becoming one and I’d be lying if I didn’t say there were some growing pains involved. Naturally both newlywed spouses think there way is the “right” way because, well, that’s just how most people think. “My family is the ‘normal’ one and it’s just odd that not all families work this way” is how most people think. So we’re slowly trying to blend aspects of both of our families into our new family.
Not only am I somewhat struggling to adjust to marriage, but I’m struggling to adjust to Army wife life. The military has so many quirks and with my new perspective, sometimes I question it. There are certain aspects about it that I think, “That’s not fair” or “I wish it wasn’t that way.” When Andy and I talk about it, he’ll echo exactly what I’m thinking. No, it’s not fair, but that’s just the way it is. I’m learning from Andy that even if I can’t change circumstances, I can choose to be happy.
Finally, I’m struggling to go from working 60 hours a week between 2 jobs to not working at all. This is definitely not by choice, because I’ve been seeking and applying for jobs each day. Unfortunately, the job market here isn’t great and I’m either overqualified on jobs or underqualified on others. It’s a huge adjustment, to have my own money to do with whatever I please to having to rely on my husband for every penny. I hate when my husband wants to eat at Taco Bell and I have to say no because after balancing the budget I know we won’t have enough money to even get food from a restaurant. That look of disappointment in my husband’s eyes hurts.
I just started a Priscilla Shirer Bible study with PWOC. We’re going through Armor of God study, and then the book Fervent. I knew it would be powerful, but wow! I’m 3 days in to Armor of God and already feel like I’ve learned so much. The things I struggle with here on Earth– jealousy, discontentment, fear– are because of a spiritual battle waging in the heavenly realms. The good news is Jesus has already won. I just need to put on the armor of God and join in the battle.
I’m going to defeat these fears and struggles and issues I’m dealing with. I know that by reading my Bible more, praying more, worshiping more, and fellow-shipping with believers more, the things I’m dealing with now won’t matter as much or even at all.