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When Andy and I were engaged and planning our next steps for after the wedding, the topic came up about my job. We were originally so conflicted as to what to do. Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE working and being in Human Resources, especially at my old job in Owensboro. I looked at commuting 4 hours a day to Owensboro so I wouldn’t have to leave jobs, but we ruled that out pretty quickly. I looked at driving 1.5-2 hours round trip to Louisville each day at an affiliate office of my Owensboro employer, but ruled that out as well. I couldn’t see myself commuting a long distance each day and missing out on quality time with my husband. (My thought: if I didn’t want to see him during the week, then we shouldn’t have gotten married because him spending every weekend with me at my mom’s house was working out fine.)
So we decided I would work on my blog while searching for full-time employment. It’s been a nice outlet to occupy my time and let me earn a little bit of money, but my heart longs to be working. As much as I love the flexibility of being at home, I miss going to an office, talking to my coworkers, working on projects all day, clocking out at 5 pm knowing I worked hard, and coming home in the evening to relax and do it again tomorrow. I especially miss the steady income of a typical office job; I long to be able to pay off Andy and my debts as quickly as possible, and each month that I’m unemployed means another month in debt.
Applying for jobs is frustrating. With all of my experience reading resumes and conducting job interviews, it’s a bit discouraging when I look at my own resume and think about the reasons an employer wouldn’t want to hire me. Overqualified. Underqualified. She wants too much money. Not enough experience. No education in the field. Military spouse, so she won’t be here more than a year or two. The list goes on and on. I’m doing my best to beef up my resume, by taking a prep course for a certification in Human Resources this fall, and starting a second Bachelor’s next fall or the year after.
It’s hard being in a transition period like this one. I have no idea how long it is going to last, so making plans is impossible. Should I join the FRG or a Bible study? I don’t know when I’ll start a job. It may be tomorrow, it may be next year. Knowing Andy only has 2 more years at Knox makes me nervous that I won’t find a job before we leave, and that we won’t have money to fund another PCS and we’ll be in the same boat we’re in now.
The other hard part? Reminding myself that I still have value. As a Doer, I tie so much of my self-worth into what I do each day and making a paycheck. Without that, I feel empty and worthless. Each time someone asks me or my husband where I work, and we have to respond with “She’s currently not working” it hurts my heart. I imagine people are judging me for being a housewife with no kids, like I only married my husband so I could be lazy each day. That’s not the truth. I long to be able to bring in a consistent income like my husband and contribute to our household finances equally.
I’m learning throughout this whole experience to trust God. As much as I love being in control of my whole life, I really have to rely on Him to take care of us. Maybe this is a lesson God wanted to teach me, and the only way to learn it was to be in this type of situation.
“When we are resting or not doing any work, especially in the Western world, we feel as if we lose our identities. We no longer know who we are. That’s why people are willing to sacrifice their whole lives on the altars of their jobs; at least then they think they look important.” -It’s Not What You Think by Jefferson Bethke